A Secure Base: Attachment Theory 101

Thoughts from John Bowlby, the big name of Attachment Theory.

Friends, hello and sorry it’s been a while. At this point in my counselling training things have truly stepped up! Anyway, last weekend I slayed the 4000+ word beast known as ‘The Human Development Essay’. It was exactly what it sounds like.

As part of that, I had to read a lot of theorists in their own words and apply their work to my life. Among them, I particularly enjoyed John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory.

The language of attachment theory has gone mainstream in recent years, particularly in the world of dating, so you might have already come by it. Perhaps you’ve already heard someone describe themselves as securely, anxiously or avoidant attached.

If you find all of that stuff cringe, I’d implore you to hang in there and hear Bowlby out in his own words. Here are some of my favourite bits of his, all pulled from his book, ‘A Secure Base’.

‘We have created a topsy-turvy world’

Bowlby’s opening pages explain why he chose to focus on making the case for the importance of the early years of development.

‘To be a successful parent means a lot of very hard work. Looking after a baby or toddler is a twenty-four-hour-a-day job seven days a week … if they are to flourish they still require a lot of time and attention … Study after study … attest that healthy, happy, and self-reliant adolescents and young adults are the products of stable homes in which both parents give a great deal of time and attention to the children.

I want also to emphasize that … looking after babies and young children is no job for a single person. If the job is to be well done and the child’s principal caregiver is not to be too exhausted, the caregiver herself (or himself) needs a great deal of assistance … In most societies throughout the world these facts have been, and still are, taken for granted and the society organized accordingly. Paradoxically it has taken the world’s richest societies to ignore these basic facts.

Man and woman power devoted to the production of material goods counts a plus in all our economic indices. Man and woman power devoted to the production of happy, healthy, and self-reliant children in their own homes does not count at all. We have created a topsy-turvy world.’ P2

How good is that?

It made me think of my many friends and siblings who have gone on to become parents and have struggled with this topsy-turvy Western society, that values parents working over creating the conditions for the flourishing of children. ‘It has taken the world’s richest societies to ignore these basic facts’ - so good.

Not just about kids

Bowlby goes on to say that attachment affects us throughout our lives, as we make bonds as adults too.

‘ … attachment behaviour is in no way confined to children … we see it also in adolescents and adults of both sexes whenever they are anxious or under stress.

… A feature of attachment behaviour of the greatest importance … is the intensity of the emotion that accompanies it, the kind of emotion aroused depending on how the relationship between the individual attached and the attachment figure is faring.

If it goes well, there is joy and a sense of security. If it is threatened, there is jealousy, anxiety, and anger. If broken, there is grief and depression. Finally there is strong evidence that how attachment behaviour comes to be organized within an individual turns in high degree on the kinds of experience he has in his family of origin, or, if he is unlucky, out of it.’ P4

I just want to hone in on the intensity of the emotion point here for a second. As I was reading Bowlby, I was dating. It was going unusually well, I was excited about it, we got to eight dates and were at a tipping point - our communication was deep and I had begun to feel secure. Then I didn’t hear from her for days. I freaked out in a way that surprised me. I would compulsively check my phone. I got really anxious. In therapy, I dove into how confused I was that I was reacting so strongly to this and that’s when we began to look at it through the lens of attachment theory.

‘If it goes well, there is joy and a sense of security. If it is threatened, there is jealousy, anxiety, and anger. If broken, there is grief and depression.’

I’m sure someone has already written the great Substack on breakups and attachment theory, so I’ll leave this point here, but I offer it to back up his point that this plays out for adults and with a real intensity of emotion.

A Secure Base

It’s then that Bowlby introduces his big idea, a secure base.

‘This brings me to a central feature of my concept of parenting - the provision by both parents of a secure base from which a child or an adolescent can make sorties into the outside world and to which he can return knowing for sure that he will be welcomed when he gets there, nourished physically and emotionally, comforted if distressed, reassured if frightened.

… In these respects it is a role similar to that of the officer commanding a military base from which an expeditionary force sets out and to which it can retreat should it meet with a setback. Much of the time the role of the base is a waiting one but it is none the less vital for that. For it is only when the officer commanding the expeditionary force is confident his base is secure that he dare press forward and take risks.’ P12-13

I love this image so much. It reminds me a lot of Jonathan Haidt’s great book ‘The Anxious Generation’, which really encourages parents to let their children take more risks and go on more unsupervised adventures to grow in resilience and to become less anxious. He uses the image of how trees need to experience winds to deepen their roots. Kids will trust they can take risks if they know they have a secure base.

Here’s another way Bowlby phrases it:

‘Attachment behaviour is any form of behaviour that results in a person attaining or maintaining proximity to some other clearly identified individual who is conceived as better able to cope with the world.’ P29

Not everyone experienced a secure base. Many grew up unable to trust that those in the watchtower would welcome them back from their adventures, or comfort them if they had gotten themselves hurt out there. This is what Bowlby believes leads to different types of attachments that begin in our family of origin and that can then go on to shape our adult relationships.

Three types of attachment

This is the more famous part of the theory that Bowlby and others worked to establish. It’s been updated since, but at the time he is writing this book, he just writes of these three types of attachment. I’ll just give you his words on these.

1 Secure

‘These are first the pattern of secure attachment in which the individual is confident that his parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful should he encounter adverse or frightening situations. With this assurance, he feels bold in his explorations of the world. This pattern is promoted by a parent, in the early years especially by mother, being readily available, sensitive to her child’s signals, and lovingly responsive when he seeks protection and/or comfort.’ P140

2 Anxious resistant

‘A second pattern is that of anxious resistant attachment in which the individual is uncertain whether his parent will be available or responsive or helpful when called upon. Because of this uncertainty he is always prone to separation anxiety, tends to be clinging, and is anxious about exploring the world. This pattern, in which conflict is evident, is promoted by a parent being available and helpful on some occasions but not on others, and by separations and, as clinical findings show, by threats of abandonment used as a means of control.’ P140

3 Anxious avoidant

‘A third pattern is that of anxious avoidant attachment in which the individual has no confidence that, when he seeks care, he will be responded to helpfully but, on the contrary, expects to be rebuffed. … such an individual attempts to live his life without the love and support of others, he tries to become emotionally self-sufficient’. P140

Perhaps that brought something up for you. Friends of mine have heard these kinds of descriptions and gone, ‘oh, that’s me!’ Those same friends discovered the great attachment resources that are out there now, so a mountain of good books and podcasts await you too if you recognise yourself in Bowlby’s words.

Generational attachment

A final point before we wrap up is that this theory shouldn’t just lead to everyone blaming their parents. Bowlby encourages that we can also look beyond our parents to their parents and the kind of attachment that they experienced from them.

‘In raising these questions, it is always useful for the therapist to enquire of the patient what he knows of the childhood experiences that the parent in question may have had. Not infrequently this leads the patient to gain some understanding of how things had developed and, from understanding, often to move on to a measure of forgiveness and reconciliation.

… As already mentioned, this strong tendency for attachment problems to be transmitted across generations, through the influence on parenting behaviour of relationship problems stemming from the parent’s own childhood, is at last receiving the research attention it deserves.’ P165

To love and be loved

I lucked out with my parents, totally through the lottery of birth, I am someone who had a securely attached childhood. I have no struggle accepting the reality of attachment theory, it just sounds like real life to me. I’m almost bemused that it had to be studied and formalised as a theory. Again, ‘it has taken the world’s richest societies to ignore these basic facts.’

My therapist began our therapy by drawing out my family tree. I now start the same way with my clients. It is an exercise in attachment and in an hour you know so much about what formed the person before you. Sometimes, it is a very saddening reality to hear.

But Bolwby says that his is a hopeful theory, that we can improve these relationships, that they are not fixed.

Really, it is all just about how we were loved, our ability to love others and to experience being loved.

Thanks friends, I hope this was a helpful read. As I study, I’ll try to keep throwing up my favourite nuggets here.

Your friend,

Isaac